Winner of the Artichoke Love Challenge
by PHFF
Summary: Challenge from PHFF. Authors had to pair HP characters with an artichoke. Let the madness ensue...


Harry and Ginny stood impatiently at the foot of the stairs that led to the boy's dormitories in Gryffindor tower. They were waiting for Ron and Hermione.

Harry sighed as he absently played with Ginny's hair, 'If those two ever stop shagging long enough to realise that they aren't in fact, alone in the universe, I'll eat my own face.'

'How about you eat mine,' muttered a bitter and sexually frustrated Ginny.

'What was that my ginger pickle?' said Harry disinterestedly.

'Nothing Harry,' Ginny hesitated, 'it's just that, well, you never kiss me or touch me anymore-' Ginny stopped abruptly as she noticed Harry checking out Seamus Finnegan who was wearing an olive-green jumper. Harry tugged at the collar of his shirt. He loved green.

Ever since Harry's second year when everyone had thought that he was the heir of Slytherin, he had had a secret yen, not to be in Slytherin precisely, but to wear their colours. He emitted a low moan as he thought of the chartreuse, viridian and emerald that made up the Slytherins' wardrobes. Catching sight of his eyes in a mirror across the room he gazed into the deep green of his own lustful orbs. Looking down he gazed licentiously at the bright green granny smith apple he clasped in his sweaty palm.

Just as Harry exhaled another longing sigh and Ginny huffed an exasperated one, Ron and Hermione descended the stairs.

'Ah…I see you have both finally decided to grace us with your presence,' said a snarky Ginny as she raised one sardonic eyebrow at the flushed couple. She didn't notice Harry rubbing the apple across his face with a look of pure ecstasy.

Ron had one hand clamped around Hermione's pert derriere and the other raked through his hair as he smirked around at the people still scattered around the common room. Ever since the day of the final battle Ron's head had swelled exponentially according to how many girls asked him out, fell over in his presence or owled him their underwear. Hermione didn't help much, she was always crooning about how dashing and gallant Ron had been and how he had swept her off her feet on the night of the battle.

Even though Harry had actually been there the first time Ron and Hermione had kissed, he knew the story off by heart. Hermione never…_ever_ tired of telling it to any poor sod who was unlucky enough to be a captive audience for more than ten seconds. '_I'll never forget that night_,' she would simper, '_How brave he was when we entered the Chamber of Secrets to find the Basilisk fangs, how his ginger coiffeur shone in the light of the spells that flew past us as we raced to find Harry. And then_,' she would breathe with shining eyes, '_and then he spoke about saving the house elves and I just couldn't help myself.'_

Here, Ron would take over in a slightly less dreamy voice, '_And then she jumped me, wrapping her hot little legs around my strongly muscled torso and I kissed her 'till she was begging for it_.'

'_Oh yes_,' Hermione would continue nostalgically, '_and there we stood, two people moulded into one as basilisk fangs and spells rained down around us_.'

Harry was brought back to earth by Ginny tugging on his arm, 'Let's go' she muttered, dragging Harry along in her wake as they followed Ron and Hermione to the dining hall.

Harry's face fell as the beautiful green apple slipped from his grasp and rolled under an armchair. 'The precioussssss!'

Ginny seethed all the way down to dinner as her and Harry walked behind the loved-up couple. Ron kept leaning over to whisper dirty things in Hermione's ear. Ginny knew that what Ron was saying was dirty because every time her idiot brother did this Hermione would squeal in delight whilst smacking him playfully on his bulging arm, 'Ooh you filthy boy! Shall we try it after dinner?'

Finally they were all seated for dinner. As always, Ron piled his plate high with everything in reach, although now, his meals were always accompanied by a 'protein shake'. Ron was obsessed with his body and was always boasting about how much time he spent doing push-ups while Hermione studied on his back. Harry knew that the 'protein shakes' were the only things near Ron that were working out. At first Ron had simply tried enlargement spells but they were too easily detected by the National Quidditch Federation. As it was, Ron had already been banned from Quidditch for the rest of the year.

'Pass me the veg will you?' said Harry absently, he spent more time withdrawn in his own mind than actually paying attention to the outside world nowadays.

'Ere you are mate,' said Ron as he sprayed the table with semi-masticated steak.

Harry grunted in response, piling some of the vegetables blindly onto his plate. Only when Harry's plate was full did he finally look down at it. He had to stifle a gasp. Sitting on his platter was a vegetable of the most beautiful greenish hue that Harry had ever seen. The artichoke almost shone from his plate like a beacon of jade coloured joy.

Ten minutes later Harry was still sitting staring in wonderment at the stunningly beautiful vegetable that sat atop his plate. _If only you were real_, he thought desperately to himself, _if only I could reach out to touch your delicate stalk, your succulent, lime-green petals. If only we could talk and laugh and dance together. I would feed you spaghetti and crisps and sunflower seeds and we would have beautiful green children together!_

Suddenly, Harry's scar began to tingle. Rubbing his forehead absent-mindedly, Harry continued to stare at the artichoke. It was a vegetable of such absolute viridian beauty that he could barely contain himself. He could scarcely hear Ron on his left side who was bragging to a blushing fifth year girl about a "spell" he had invented to defeat inferi.

'Oh yes,' he was saying to the girl whose mouth hung open in ardent admiration, 'All you have to do is wave your wand in a circle around your head ten times like so,' he said, flailing his wand arm violently and smacking a passing Ravenclaw in the face, 'and then you yell '**kazoo kazaam I do not like lamb! Kebab**'! That's all it takes; my simple spell. It's genius really, but what can I say?' finished Ron, smiling widely and accommodatingly at the girl. 'It's also how I won the love of this hot little vixen, the only woman I will ever love,' he said reaching across the table to pull Hermione into an inappropriate and lingering kiss. The fifth year girl looked to be on the verge of disappointed tears and excused herself as Ron and Hermione continued their violent make-out session across the table.

All the time this was happening, Ginny was whining in Harry's ear about how they never did anything fun or romantic. Harry had had enough. His scar, that had been tingling slightly, now felt as though it were alive. A bright green light began to shine out of the scar and it slowly enveloped the great hall and everybody inside it. Most people didn't even notice but Ginny seemed quite alarmed. 'Harry what on earth is going on?!'

Just as suddenly as it had arrived however, the green light faded and Harry once again sat slumped at the Gryffindor table with Ron's elbow jammed to the side of his face as he savaged Hermione on one side, with Ginny shrieking into his ear on the other. He didn't notice that the beautiful green artichoke had disappeared from his plate.

The pinging sound of cutlery against glass brought a hush over the hall as McGonagall stood from her place at the head of the teacher's table. She continued pinging erratically until with a tinkling crash she smashed the top of the wine glass. Something very strange was going on.

Smiling maniacally McGonagall swayed on the spot before speaking, 'Teachers and students,' she said, her voice ringing out across the sea of largely disinterested faces, 'I am pleased to announce the arrival of a new student.' Whispers now spread across the hall. This was almost unheard of…a student arriving in the middle of term?

'Yes,' continued McGonagall above the rush of whispers, 'please give a warm Hogwarts welcome to Miss _Cynara Cardunculus_.' The doors of the great hall opened wide and everyone stood up in their seats and craned their necks to get a look at the new stranger. Those still looking up at McGonagall could see the woman jumping rhythmically up and down as she clapped her hands in the silence, smiling like an idiot and shouting things like 'Soup!' and 'Brilliant!' and 'Carpets!' at random intervals.

Exclamations of 'What the-' and disturbed expressions followed the new girl's progress towards the front of the hall. Harry didn't bother to look up. 'May I sitting here?' asked a strong and accented voice from behind him. Harry turned slowly to face the newcomer and his world stopped.

In front of him stood the most beautiful girl Harry had ever seen. Her shapely pale green stalks were highlighted by a pair of patent black heels. His eyes travelled up her body where he couldn't look away from her thick chartreuse petals as they glinted in the candlelight.

'My eyes are being up here.' She said belligerently while Harry still stared at her juicy green petals with a glazed expression on his face.

Harry made a strangled noise in the back his throat before replying with a bewildered, 'Ahhhh sorry…so sorry.' Glancing up into her face for the first time he noticed that her eyes were the same shade of emerald as his own.

Suddenly Ron shoved his face between Harry and Cynara, 'Hello there little lady,' he crooned, 'the name's Weasley, Ron Weasley.'

'Cynara' said Cynara simply, 'Jou will let me sit down or no? English gentlemens is not same as in Spain,' she finished heartily.

'Oh, yes of course, beg your pardon marm,' Harry said, knocking over a glass of pumpkin juice in his haste to stand up.

'Oh no, please allow me madam,' said Ron, shooting Harry a dirty look and ushering Cynara towards a seat that he had cleared by quickly ejecting it's now rather disgruntled ex-occupant.

'I saw her first Ron,' hissed Harry.

'Bugger off Harry,' hissed Ron in return, 'She's not interested in you!'

Harry, forgetting that his legs were still stuck behind the bench tried to take a step back and succeeded only in tripping himself to fall spectacularly onto the back of his head. 'Ouch!' He yelped, rubbing the fast-swelling lump while his legs stuck absurdly into the air.

'Jou is ok?' asked Cynara as she leaned over him.

Harry felt like he was in heaven as her large, green face swam over him.

'He's just fine!' Ron practically shouted, effectively ruining Harry and Cynara's moment as he steered her away to sit next to him.

Harry sat up, still grumpily rubbing his aching noggin. He observed the chaotic scene in front of him. Ron was sitting with his arm around Cynara, talking loudly and gesturing to everyone sitting near them. Ginny, who was dividing her banshee-like shrieking quite equally between Harry and Ron, was being completely ignored. Hermione was the only one sitting still. She sat at the table like a statue, her mouth hung open in undisguised shock and a forkful of food hovered half-way to her mouth. She had obviously been sitting like this for a few minutes now. Harry looked closer…she wasn't even blinking.

Harry, however, had more important things on his mind. Jumping to his feet and ignoring Ron's belligerent look and Ginny's continued screeching, Harry squeezed himself next to the sexy Spanish artichoke.

'So…' he said, searching desperately for something to say before clearing his throat and saying smoothly, 'come here often?'

The hall went silent and Harry could have sworn he heard a pin drop. That was when people started laughing.

'What I mean to say is, do you like potatoes?' squeaked Harry, losing his cool completely, 'Or maybe traffic lights? I like handbags and Vaseline and scissors!' Harry shrieked before clapping a hand over his mouth. Women made him so _nervous_!

Cynara shot Harry a concerned look before turning back to Ron, 'That man, he is retardo?' she asked him as she pointed in the direction of Harry who was now leaning towards her with a grimace upon his face as he made more strangling sounds in the back of his throat.

'Si mademoiselle!' said Ron loudly and stupidly. 'Parley vou Espanyole?' he asked in an accent that would have pushed the French and the Spanish to declare war on Britain. 'I sprechen the Espanyole gut wee?' he finished in an accent that would have allied most of Europe against England.

Cynara, ignoring the disgusting schmorgesboard of languages Ron had just presented her, stared passionately into his eyes. Their faces were only inches away…closer…closer…

'**No**!' Harry bellowed as he whipped out his wand and brandished it in Ron's direction.

Stopping only millimeters from Cynara's lips Ron's face went a ghastly puce colour. 'How dare you interrupt our special moment?!' he howled, also whipping out his wand.

'I challenge you to a duel!' shrieked Harry, 'A fight to the death for the heart of this fair artichoke!'

'You're on mate!' shouted Ron, rising to his feet and climbing onto the long Gryffindor table. He almost stood on Hermione's hand, which was clutching the table as sat still frozen with her other hand half way to her mouth.

Harry and Ron stood facing one another on top of the Gryffindor table as the whole hall watched excitedly (with the exception of McGonagall who was still hopping from one foot to the other and clapping sporadically -she was now making up a song about oranges- and Hermione who was still frozen to her seat with shock).

'_Expelliarmus_!' shouted Harry predictably.

Ron feigned a yawn as he deflected the spell with a lazy flick of his wand. The assembled crowd laughed. Harry lost it.

'_Engorgio! Lumos! Muffliatio! Sectumsempra! Alohamora! Stupify! Accio! Nox! Wingardium Leviosaaaaaaaaa_!!!' shrieked Harry madly. 'You will pay Ronald Weasley, mark my words…**YOU. WILL. PAY**!!!'

Harry's rage had ensured that all of his spells (at least the ones that were actual dueling spells) had missed Ron by miles, the only casualty being an unlucky pudding that hung in the air just out of reach of a starving first year.

Ron began to swing his wand arm in a complicated sequence of dance-like movements before pointing his wand at Harry and yelling, '_**Abra Kadabra Mimicus Wimsy Hummus Podeptra**_!!!'

The whole hall gasped as Harry was lifted off his feet and flung clear across the room. Someone shrieked, thinking that Harry was going to crash into the ground. 'I've got him!' cried a voice as a tall figure rushed to catch the falling Harry. With a loud 'Oomf!' the figure caught him and laid him delicately on the ground.

As Harry came to he gazed up at the face of the man who had saved him. His eyes then slid down to the chartreuse coloured silk shirt that covered a pair of well-defined pecs.

'Draco.' Whispered Harry.

'Harry.' Whispered Draco before enveloping Harry in a tight embrace.

Once he had been released Harry gazed into Draco's eyes. 'It was you wasn't it? I have always been drawn to the colour green…if only I had realised that it was really you that I was drawn to!'

'Oh Harry!' choked Draco, 'Red is my favourite colour and I always knew that one day we would be together!'

'Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!' screamed Ginny, falling to her knees with her face flung toward the dark ceiling. 'He can't like green! Anything but green! I hate green!!!'

Ron chortled at the sight of Harry and Draco snogging fervently as he threw his arm around Cynara. 'Always knew those two were camper than a row of pink tents covered in ostrich feathers! So what do you say babe…wanna come back to my place?' he ended greasily with a sly wink for impact.

'Not if _I_ have anything to do with it!' shrieked Hermione, who had finally snapped out of her shocked trance, 'Get your slutty Spanish artichoke hands away from my man you bitch!'

Cynara narrowed her eyes before stepping immediately away from Ron, 'Oh what jou say mami? Jou wanna go? Jou wanna go? Here, hold my shit!' she screamed at Ron as she took out her earrings and peeled off her false nails. 'Jou wanna fight? Jou got it mami!'

'Oh better than a fight,' Hermione said, stepping close to Cynara's face, 'I'm challenging you to a dance-off!'

'Bring it!' shouted Cynara.

'Bring it?! Oh I already brought it! I be broughtening it all night!'

'Don't you mean "bringing it all night"?!' chorused several voices from the crowd.

'

Shut the fuck up!' Hermione screeched, beside herself with rage. 'DJ! Spin that shit!'

There was silence. 'Where the heck is the DJ?!' screamed Hermione.

'I got your back bitch!' Ginny was standing behind Hermione and she started beat-boxing.

The crowd went wild as they listened to Ginny's ill beats. Hermione stood on the table with her legs apart snapping her fingers as she counted herself in… 'Five, six, seven, eight…' Hermione started with a weird sort of shimmy before moving into a strange, jerky waltz. From the waltz she attempted a booty shake but succeeded only in inciting McGonagall who had now started to do a small jig somewhere in the background.

'Is that all jou got?' sneered Cynara as Ginny's ill beats faded to be replaced by the booing of the crowd. 'I don't even needing a DJ.'

Cynara began to clap a simple rhythm, '_One-two-three, one-two-three, one-two, one-two, one-two-three, one-two-three-'_ with the crowd soon joining in.

As soon as the rhythm could be heard reverberating steadily throughout the great hall the artichoke began to dance. She raised her green, lumpy chin and a haughty expression graced her pea-coloured features. 'Riba riba! Ai! Ai! Ai!' she cried as her feet began to move in a complicated Flamenco. Her arms swirled around her, picking up her petals and swishing them as she executed a perfect turn before dropping them to continue with the _palmas_. She swirled and twirled and stamped until the crowd was transfixed and only the sound of her stamping could be heard and her soft cries of 'Ole!' as she performed the ultimate dance of passion.

Her stamping was slowly building to a frenzied crescendo and she ended by twirling once more to stamp one final time, emitting a sound that echoed like a gunshot, before dropping to one knee with her head bowed and one arm across her chest. Looking haughtily into Hermione's angry but awed eyes she said nothing.

The crowd roared as Cynara rose to her feet and Ron ran forwards to swing her around in his arms. They kissed as hundreds of students cheered and whooped and stamped their feet.

Ginny, who was now standing quietly, looked at Ron and Cynara before letting her eyes slide over to Harry and Draco. This simply wouldn't do. Striding over to Hermione Granger, punching people out of her way, Ginny grabbed the other girl's arm. 'You know the offer I made you last year?' Hermione nodded, a steely resolve in her eyes, 'Well that offer still stands,' continued Ginny.

'They won't know what hit them!' cackled Hermione with glee, 'By the way, what are we going to do tonight Ginny?'

'The same thing we're going to do every night Hermione! **TRY TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!!!' **

If anyone had been paying attention (which they weren't) they may have been amused by the malevolent cackling of the two witches as they plotted to plot their revenge.

In the end, Ron went on to marry the Spanish artichoke and Draco and Harry became interior decorators and life-partners. Hermione and Ginny eventually succeeded in taking over the world.

And so they all lived happily ever after. Especially Ron, because he was paired with his mental equal:

a vegetable.

The End


End file.
